If Plush were a financial people pleaser, she would have smiled politely, sold some furniture and committed to the dresses, spray tans, dinners and potential travel that comes with being a bride’s right-hand woman. Instead, she said she was honoured to be asked, expressed how deeply she valued their friendship and admitted she didn’t have the bandwidth to do it all over again. “My friend completely understood and we’re still close today.”
Spot the people pleasing signs
Financial people pleasing is putting others’ needs ahead of your own goals, desires and wellbeing, explains money coach Betsy Westcott. Think agreeing to dinner at hatted restaurants when you need to focus on your mortgage; just saying yes to the salary offered at a new job because you don’t want to seem greedy or buying extravagant gifts for fancy friends when you normally shop at Kmart.
“It might seem kind or generous or feel good in the moment but financial people pleasing often comes at a fiscal and emotional cost,” says Westcott. “It can even push you into debt to keep up appearances, creating significant stress and pressure.”
What motivates financial people pleasers
Financial people pleasers don’t splurge because they want to, says Westcott, but because they feel they need to in order to gain approval, avoid conflict or even feel safe in relationships. “We might overspend or over-gift because we want to feel valued or seen. It can make us look big-hearted, successful and even lovable.”
At its core, this common behaviour is often driven by a fear of rejection, says Plush. “Saying no can trigger anxiety about losing connection with people.” Sometimes literally. Declining a weekend away with mates can leave you with FOMO (fear of missing out) and wondering if they’ll invite you again.
“Some people harbour an internalised belief that love and acceptance comes through self-sacrifice,” says Plush. In other words, showing love with money or gifts they worked hard for. “I once worked with a client who said if a gift for his wife didn’t come in ‘an orange box’ – as in, from Hermès – it wasn’t worth giving,” recalls Westcott.
Others just want to avoid conflict. “To them, it can feel simpler to quietly absorb the cost than initiate a boundary-setting conversation, which can be very uncomfortable,” says Plush.
How to change people-pleasing behaviour
Stamping your own financial goals into your brain is a great first step to help curtail people-pleasing behaviour. “This gives you a clear framework around what you say yes to,” says Westcott. “Without that clarity, every invite or offer feels like a ‘Why not?’ moment. But agreeing to one thing often takes away from a goal that actually matters to you.”
Whether it’s contributing to a costly gift or a holiday timeshare, take a beat. “Make your breath be your first word,” advises Plush. “Instead of jumping into any financial commitment, say, ‘Let me check and get back to you.’ It gives you pause and time to respond with intention, rather than on impulse.”
Set boundaries with any family or friends who tend to (unintentionally) routinely drain your bank account. Communicate that you care about the person and the relationship but that you’re honouring your financial wellbeing. “Frame your priorities in a positive way,” suggests Betsy. “Instead of saying, ‘I’m too broke,’ try, ‘I’m watching my finances at the moment but still want to connect; can we plan something low key?’ or ‘Let’s skip gifts this year and spend time together.’ Most people will react positively and respectfully.” If they don’t, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship.
Cost-effective ways to connect
There are myriad ways to grow and galvanise your connections that don’t require a personal loan. “You don’t always have to meet for dinner and drinks,” says Plush. “We bond through experiences so think of cost-effective activities like going for a walk or visiting free museums.” But you don’t need to scrimp entirely; consider creating an account or budget line item dubbed “fun” or “giving” to help you maintain those boundaries.
Telling someone how you feel about them costs nothing. “I think we underestimate the pricelessness of sending an encouraging voice note or handwritten card,” says Plush. “Communicating someone’s value to your life through words has such a big impact on relationships.”
Easy social swaps
- Share goals, not beers: Train for a fun run with a friend.
- Pitch in: Rather than meet a new parent for coffee, help them fold laundry.
- Drop the shop: Skip the high-end boutiques and host a clothes swap.
- Bring back bridge: Sub out pub trivia nights for cards nights at home.
